Welcome to the Alt.Dictionary for Business – it all starts here

Business jargon – we’re sick to the back teeth of it. So here at Earnest – we think enough is enough.

Forever realists, we know we’re never going to purge the business world of its lingua franca, but what we can do is take a very large proverbial stick and poke fun at it.

Inspired by I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’s ‘Uxbridge English Dictionary’ the time has come to create our very own definitions of those business and marketing terms that have crept their way into our vocabulary.

Below is our starter for 10 so you get the hang of it. But come on, we need your help. Throw what you’ve got at us for the good of our sanity using #nomorejargon or commenting below. We may even liberate a few ‘Vital Statistics for B2B Marketers’ limited edition infographic tea-towels (only one shed’s worth left) and send them to the best contributors.

The Alt.Dictionary

Account Director – A deceased Translyvanian churchman (tweet this)

Account Penetration – Vampyric intercourse (tweet this)

Ad Space – To feng shui one’s house (tweet this)

Analytics – To jerk one’s abdomen involuntarily (tweet this)

Banner – A badly behaving girl no longer permitted entry (tweet this)

Below the fold – A fat man’s genitals (tweet this)

Best Practice – Room for improvement (tweet this)

B2B – Insect dating site (tweet this)

B2C – Pollinating insect rediscovers sight (tweet this)

Body copy – An identical twin (tweet this)

Bottom line – The cleft of one’s rear (tweet this)

Brainstorm – Female hosiery caught in extreme weather conditions (tweet this)

Brand loyalty – Katy Perry turns blind eye to philandering husband (tweet this)

Brand hierarchy – Katy, Jo then probably Russell (tweet this)

Campaign – Irritating effete male (tweet this)

Client briefs – Customer undergarments (tweet this)

Client de-briefs – In-store flasher (tweet this)

Content – Canvas prison (tweet this)

Designer – Remover of instructive posters (tweet this)

Direct mail – A forthcoming gentleman (tweet this)

Director – Underperforming churchman (tweet this)

Google – Shortsighted seabird (tweet this)

Impact – Troupe of performing fairies (tweet this)

Infographic – Pictorial representation of your enemy’s insides (tweet this)

Intern – Aspiring seabird seeking permanent employment (tweet this)

Media – A scouse venison farmer’s herd (tweet this)

Messaging hierarchy – smoke, semaphore, text, email (tweet this)

Microsite – A place to keep your crows (tweet this)

Microsoft – Pre-rigor mortis pet bird (tweet this)

Offline – a wonky queue (tweet this)

Ownership – to purchase a boat (tweet this)

Pay-per-click – Misspelt stationery (tweet this)

PPC – to urinate in the ocean (tweet this)

ROI – final words of Harold II at the Battle of Hastings (tweet this)

Slogan – non-automatic rifle (tweet this)

Stakeholder – vampire killer (tweet this)

Synergy – the rebel of the alphabet (tweet this)

Target audience – theatre goers in freak road surfacing accident (tweet this)

Tweet – Quaint bearer of milk (tweet this)

UX – Concise but callous way to break-up with your partner (tweet this)

Web copy – Plagiarising spider (tweet this)

Website – Dusty corner (tweet this)

Yahoo – Affirmative sneeze (tweet this)

By Earnest 14 October 2013
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